It’s unbearable. You want to yell, break things and cry. You want to howl out of hopelessness.
This is what happens sometimes after a really bad day. After everything piles up and a seemingly harmless thing like mistaking the password for unlocking your phone ignites the greatest wildfire. You know you are not furious because of this or because the store has run out of mini bananas.
It’s the worries you’re letting run in the background. The pains that you know are somewhere there but you’re trying to ignore and numb out cause poking at them will open Pandora’s box. But at times they crawl out and here you are. Asking yourself THE questions.
“Am I good enough?”
“Why was I so dumb to believe he was gonna call me back?”
“I need to know why, why hell on Earth, am I such a failure?”
Being angry and desperate with or without the questions sucks, we are all aware of that. We are all here existing into a world that looks like it expects certain somethings from us. Like with some things or without some other things, we don’t simply fit in. Like we’d be unfit for life.
Where does the truth lie though?
Life is simply life, and attaching any other adjectives and meanings to it already twists it a certain way. Already puts certain expectations. We crave to make sense out of things. Out of everything.
Otherwise “the game” seems pointless. The battle. The struggle. The journey.
However, it still hasn’t been scientifically proven life needs to make sense. There was this nothing, then this something that exploded into many somethings, then there were weird creatures and now there’s us.
If the history of the universe and the earth was a fiction book, it would be damn interesting. Who could have foreseen all the plot twists?
I know some people might get sad at the thought of being just someone in a world of 7 billion and counting. I know it might sound daunting to hear that when we zoom out, the earth is that little, infinitesimal (no)thing, a speck of dust in the universe.
At first glance, the realization of being that insignificant may be depressing. Yet if we’d take a closer look, it is completely liberating. Coming to understand that nothing is supposed to be anything and that anything can be everything removes (m)any limits, doesn’t it?
Aren’t we the definition of life? We come here, experience it and define it through our experiences. We sometimes find it difficult to match up each other’s definitions, but it is generally useful we’ve agreed on certain things. It would be rather tricky if my blue was your red and vice versa, but it is also not that helpful for all of us to agree to life being a struggle by default.
So there it goes, we decide what matters and what not. Humanity as a whole has defaulted to many things mattering, but if some of them don’t ring true to you, don’t be afraid.
It’s a fact that whatever we think (or don’t think), life will be the way it is. Worry won’t bring is anywhere. Overthinking and stressing can only bring us more overthinking and stressing.
Yet there are ways of bringing our mind back to the present, of connecting back to the universe, or however you name it.
As soon as I notice myself slipping into a mid-day (or mid-night) crisis, I just stop. I just stop and ask myself “And what does Jupiter think about this?”
Then I imagine this giant, this 365 million miles away grandeur, sitting back and smiling at my minute issues.
It’s not that I try to belittle my problems. I just try to fit them in the bigger picture.
And guess what, in the bigger picture, my issues are completely invisible. I wouldn’t want to use strong language and say they don’t matter, but yes, they actually don’t.
It’s like that popular quote/question “Would this even matter in 5 years?”, but a bit bigger.
Sometimes I get lost in worries that I’ve texted my friends 15 min late. Then I start making up stories of what they’d think, and I get far at that. At one point I start getting angry at myself and this is when Jupiter comes into play. I ask him what he thinks of my worries and we both start laughing.
I agree the above-mentioned is an “easy” example. Something just an overthinker might worry about. But I also get these big crises when it seems the world is falling apart.
I start with you are not good enough, you’ll never get what you want, look at you, you are a disgrace. Then it’s not so easy to turn to Jupiter, to get out of your own burning head.
But when you actually do, he points to Sirius and Pollux, those far greater and bigger celestial bodies and says look, even I’m nothing. Why worry about anything?
Then we both laugh and I move on with life. (I’ve got no idea what Jupiter does in his spare time when he’s not my counsellor).
So yeah, life is life and you get the full package. You get the joys and the pains, the laughter and the tears. That’s what makes up life, so getting caught into clinging to one thing or trying hard to get rid of another is just a misuse of energy.
And we can use that energy far better – to be creative, to change the world, to eat, or to just chill. To sit back, relax and enjoy our journey through the universe.